Stephanie Part I: The Secret Life of Shame

I have a black and white portrait of myself when I’m around three years old. The most striking thing about this photo is how confident I look. I’m a happy child, clearly pleased with who I am and how I look. I was so young I don’t remember that day or the confident, happy feeling. It is safe to say that even today it is an unfamiliar feeling. The feeling of being an imposter, of not measuring up, of failing, and of self-hatred has occupied the vast majority of my life.

I had every good reason to be happy as a child. Growing up in Southern California life wasn’t difficult.  I was the firstborn daughter and the only grandchild on both sides of my family. I had plenty of love and attention. My parents weren’t abusive.

Still, I spent years trying to medicate my way out of internal turmoil. I lived in an endless cycle of eating disorders. I experienced almost chronic anxiety and tried to control the people, places, and things around me. I lived like an actor playing the role of a stable, competent woman while backstage was the tumbled mess of my real life. I didn’t I was experiencing shame. I didn’t know where it came from.

This is the abiding mystery of shame. Where does it come from and why does it happen? I believe shame grows like weeds. The seeds are present in everyone if they are nurtured, or, more accurately, if the tools of a healthy self-image aren’t implemented. As Dr. Brene Brown says, shame is the fear that we are not worthy of belonging. The opportunity to feel like we don’t belong has exploded exponentially with the advent of social media. In human society, it can happen anywhere. The dark interior sense of being insufficient can spring up in almost any environment rich, poor, happy, disappointing, or abusive. It helps to think of shame as a dis-ease that can happen to anyone, not as an affliction particular to you or your children as a result of some failure.

The good news is, that it is possible to recover given careful cultivation of some tools and the willingness to change. Next week I’ll share some of what I learned on my way to recovery.

 This is an excerpt from my book, Confessions of a Failed Perfectionist.